


Unfortunate Soulmarks: The Cut Stuff

by GiantRoboticPlatypusButt (AngstAndAlliums)



Series: Human!Perry Soulmate AU [2]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Soulmate AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:41:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22551163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngstAndAlliums/pseuds/GiantRoboticPlatypusButt
Summary: A little over a year ago, I completed a fic titled: Unfortunate Soulmarks, which is one of my most popular fics to date. I spent a lot of time making sure it was the best it could be, which meant cutting out quite a lot of the rough draft. Even if these bits of content didn't make the cut, I thought it would be fun to post anyway.So, if you're interested in detailed exposition, altered scenes, and even entirely cut chapters, this is for you. Read on, and see what my work looked like in the first stages of writing, including many scenes that were just Human!Perry placed in odd situations from the original show, not written for the plot, but just because I wanted to.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: Human!Perry Soulmate AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622578
Comments: 3
Kudos: 63





	1. The Original Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read Unfortunate Soulmarks, you probably won't understand the context of most of what's here. I'll provide context for when these chapters and scenes happened before being cut and the reasons for things being changed, but you'll need to have read the fic first before coming here. 
> 
> Here's the link to Unfortunate Soulmarks just in case: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16956033/chapters/39846282

**Context and Information:**

As the title states, this was the original chapter one of Unfortunate Soulmarks. 

The first thing you may notice is that, while the opening with Perry’s soulmark is the same, the original goes into many paragraphs of exposition about how soulmarks work before skipping right to Perry meeting Heinz. I decided that it might have been a bit boring to feed so much information to readers early on, and that splitting it apart and mentioning the information only while it’s relevant was the best option. Perry’s conversation with Phineas was added to the final draft in order to both explain his role in their family as a human, and explain the logic of soulmarks in a more organic way.

Next, the original draft still saw Heinz looking for lightbulbs in a home improvement store, but things are noticeably different. I wanted to make every scene have purpose and be interesting and/or funny in some way, so I changed it from Heinz looking for simple light bulbs, to out of reach fluorescent light rods. While that may have been the biggest change to the scene itself, I made a change here that affected the rest of the entire fic.

Originally, Perry didn’t learn about Heinz’s “lack” of a soulmark until, what at the time, was chapter 3. The scene where he first learned about it doesn’t exist in the final draft, and instead, he learns in the very first chapter. It took a lot of thought, but in the end, I decided that Perry learning earlier would help move the plot in a more interesting way, at the cost of the fic being shorter. I don’t regret this decision, as I feel the most important part of any story isn’t its length, but how well it keeps the reader engaged with the plot. This mindset helped shape how I edited the rest of the fic moving forward.

Finally, near the end, I decided to remove some continuity errors, both in relation to the show and within my own fic. I didn’t know until later into writing that Heinz got an email about Perry being his nemesis, and I’m sure most people don’t even know of that. Regardless, I couldn’t let even the tiniest details be wrong, so I replaced him randomly having Perry’s name with having read it in an email. While not necessarily an error, I decided it was highly unlikely Perry would still be having basic questions about soulmarks this far into his life, so that was removed as well.

Now that the explanations are out of the way, enjoy the original chapter 1 of Unfortunate Soulmarks.

* * *

“Hello. Do. You. Need. Something.” 

Perry hated his soulmark with a burning passion. To him, it was a curse, rather than a blessing. Those five words, running up his right forearm, it felt like they were mocking him. They supposedly existed to help people find their soulmates. The person, sometimes people, who would help make your life feel complete. Their first five words to you would match the ones marked on your arm, and you would know you found the person that would change your life for the better. 

At least, they were _supposed_ to. They were called “soulmarks” because they were supposed to help people find their “soulmates”. Perry had just the luck to get what people call a “greeting mark”, a soulmark composed of a common greeting. This meant, much to his continued annoyance, he heard the words of his soulmark all the time. Knocking on his neighbor’s door to meet them. “Hello? Do you need something?” Tapping on a shelf stocker’s shoulder to ask where the tea aisle is. “Uh… Hello? Do you need something?” Stepping aside to question someone if they’ve seen a suspect. “Hello. Do you need something?” 

The thing about soulmarks is that they only tell you the first five words your soulmate will say to you. In some cases, more than one person will speak your soulmark and more than one person ends up being your soulmate. It was, however, very rare, and Perry doubted very much that any of the dozens of people who have said this to him were going to end up being the people to complete his life. He knew Mrs. Johnson was already happily married to her soulmate, the soulmark on the shelf stocker was in a language he didn’t speak, and that guy he questioned _probably_ wasn’t going be his soulmate. Not with the words, “no, thanks, I, hate, tea,” going up his arm. 

Technically, people didn’t _need_ to find their soulmate. Most of the time people end up finding them without much effort, but if on the rare chance they didn’t, that didn’t mean they couldn’t live happily with someone else, or alone. This fact eased Perry’s mind a little. He didn’t particularly care for finding someone special. To him, his job and his family, the Flynn-Fletchers, made him feel fulfilled enough. He did feel a little guilty about not even trying to look for his soulmate, as they might be trying to find him. But, he figured that if this was the case, after long enough, his soulmate would find someone else that couldn’t find their soulmate and happily end up with them. Or maybe they’d be fulfilled enough with their life already too. 

Still, he wondered what his soulmate’s soulmark would even say. With how little he speaks, and how few people he actually speaks to, would their arm just be blank? Would their mark be made up of hums, sighs, and groans since those are the only sounds he makes around others? All the soulmarks he’s seen didn’t count anything other than whole words, but would his soulmate’s mark be an exception? He decided he’d look that up later. Right now, he was going to meet his newly assigned nemesis, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. After reading his file and spying on him, he figured he could give him a more proper introduction than just busting into his property and stopping whatever scheme he was up to. He would eventually do that, but a simple wave “hello” seemed proper, especially since he wasn’t exactly going to chat with him anytime in the future.

He parked his hovercar in a hidden alley and stepped out, soon making his way over to where his nemesis had last been seen, a large home improvement store. Scanning through the isles, he found the man fitting the description of the file and stepped closer. Heinz’s attention was occupied by the two packages of lightbulbs he was holding, scanning the small text on the boxes. Perry tapped his shoulder, getting him to stop reading and notice the man beside him. 

“Hello?” he said with a confused look. “Do you… need something?” 

Perry felt like the world was giving him the finger right now. He ignored the irritation from once again hearing his greeting mark, especially from his _nemesis of all people_ , and waved hello. He pulled out his badge so Heinz could see his name. Well, the name he was allowed to see.

“O.W.C.A… Agent P…” Heinz read aloud, soon dropping the lightbulbs as his eyes lit up in delight. “You’re my new nemesis! I knew there was someone spying on me the other day! I’m so glad to meet you!” He shook Perry’s hand enthusiastically, taking him by surprise. 

This reaction was certainly… unexpected. 

“So you’re going to be the one trying to stop me? Oh I can’t wait to trap you and show you my inventions! Then you can helplessly watch as I take over the Tri-State Area!” 

It was kinda funny, and weird. And it sounded like Heinz was completely oblivious to the fact that he had to destroy his inventions as a part of his job. Perry was sure Heinz would figure that out eventually. 

“I almost want to go home and start building right now! Well, one of the lights in my lab is out and that’s kinda why I’m here. Oops!” Heinz picked up the lightbulbs he carelessly dropped, which managed to not break due to the cardboard boxes they were stored in. “Okay, they’re fine. I have enough money to pay if I accidentally broke them, but I’d still rather not have to, you know? It’s so _awkward_ , plus it takes even more time to pay for things I don’t even want and I’ve already spent time looking for the right light bulb.” 

He was so… friendly? Is that the right word? If he didn’t talk about taking over the Tri-State Area just a moment ago, Perry would’ve questioned if he was talking to the right person. Even then, he was so cheery it didn’t even sound like he was talking about doing evil.

“Anyway, I kind of have to pick which one I’ll buy right now. I could still try talking to you, but it’s really hard to think and talk at the same time and I’m sure you have agent-y things to do right now. So, I guess I’ll see you later Perry the Platypus.” 

Heinz waved “goodbye” as Perry did the same, with Perry making his way out of the store while Heinz continued to shop. 

As he got back into his hovercar and began the journey back home, Perry thought more about this strange encounter. He honestly didn’t expect it to go so well. 

While Heinz did threaten him as he expected, it was very casual and without real malice. Perry wasn’t even sure Heinz did it on purpose. And the whole time, he sounded so happy to have a nemesis, like he was gaining a friend rather than an enemy. His file said he was strange, but Perry didn’t expect him to be _this_ strange. 

Wait… did Heinz call him “ _Perry the Platypus_ ”?! 

That was his agency code name! Only other O.W.C.A. agents and higher-ups were allowed to know it! How did Heinz know it?! What the hell!?! 

Perry stepped on the brakes and was about to reverse to confront what he was thinking was a major security breach, when he decided to simply land and think about it. Once his hovercar was perched on the roof of a building, Perry calmed down and thought about what happened. 

His badge only said, “Agent P.” and “O.W.C.A”, so there was no way Heinz could’ve known his code name from that. Obviously, nobody in the agency would have told him his code name, so where did he learn it from?!

Perry took a deep breath. 

Heinz didn’t seem to be threatening him with that knowledge. He acted like that’s what he’s _supposed_ to be called. Well, he was supposed to be called “Agent P.” and Heinz had no reason to know any other name of his. But… if he wasn’t going to try and sabotage him with that knowledge… then maybe he didn’t have to confront him about it right now. Heinz may have been oblivious to the fact that “Perry the Platypus” was even his code name, and asking him where he heard it might lead to him to try and use the name maliciously. 

With another sigh, Perry lifted the hovercar off the roof and continued home, figuring that he could tell Major Monogram about this a little later. 

That night, Perry learned two things. The first thing he learned, by messaging Monogram, was that Heinz happens to have a lot of strange personal knowledge about the organization that everyone has no idea how he got. But he’s never used that information for his own gain, so everyone just cautiously ignores him. The second thing he learned, by searching the internet, was that only full words ever seem to show on soulmarks, and that yes, people with soulmates that don’t talk don’t have a soul mark. 

So… if he comes across a person with no soulmark whose first words are his soulmark, then he might have found his soulmate. That is, if he doesn’t speak to them at all, which was unlikely, but possible. Not that Perry cared too much about finding his soulmate. It was just a thought he had.


	2. "Lasers" and Lipstick

**Context and Information:**

This is one of the chapters that was completely cut from the final work, and mostly features a Human!Perry version of the episode, “Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!” Before it was scrapped, it was chapter 2 of the original draft. 

The main reason I removed this chapter was because it wasn’t relevant to the overall story. As well as that, I felt like it mischaracterized Heinz somewhat. While it’s true he had a plan that included vaporizing people, the cartoonish manner of his plot wasn’t really taken into account, causing the portrayal here to make him sound like some kind of remorseless killer, rather than a goof with a half thought out plan. Not only that, but this short bit of exposition was the beginning of an annoying side conflict that plagued the original draft. 

As for the rest of the chapter, I decided to refrain from just recreating canon scenes but with Human!Perry thrown in unless something significant changed  _ and _ it was plot-relevant. This chapter was neither. When I first created the scene, I more wanted to see what a Human!Perry version would be like for my own amusement than add anything to the plot. I considered simply creating some sort of standalone fic for the scene, but after a while, I started to not care for the scene itself. 

Now enjoy, the original chapter 2 of Unfortunate Soulmarks.

* * *

Before he started learning about Heinz, Perry had never thought someone could be a genius and an idiot at the same time. This man could create machines that could do absolutely incredible things… but the plans they were involved in almost always had some huge gaping flaw that only Heinz wouldn’t notice. If his plans didn’t have a huge flaw, they were usually extremely convoluted and completely unnecessary. Well, everything he built was unnecessary since his inventions were evil, but his plans were sometimes so multi-stepped and complex that they only made whatever he wanted to do harder. 

If he was completely honest, Perry had a lot of fun stopping him. Yes, it was his job to stop him, and yes, Heinz was evil and was a threat to the public, but he couldn’t really help it. Perry had fought many different people before Heinz, some of whom were definitely harder to fight and more dangerous to the public, but he had never fought anyone as interesting as Heinz. He had such a good time fighting him, Perry sometimes had to remind himself that Heinz could be dangerous and hurt people. It was hard to imagine at first, until he actually revealed a plan that involved killing people. 

It was so casual too. Heinz didn’t even realize how disturbing that was, or did he? Thankfully, his machine turned out to not be a laser that would destroy things like he planned, but a sundae maker instead. Still… the fact that Heinz didn’t seem to have any qualms with killing people did unnerve him a bit… 

That day, he did learn some interesting things about him though, like that his ex-wife paid him alimony. It helped to explain where he got his money for everything he built. Also, the fact he had an ex-wife was something he didn’t really know before then. Obviously, she didn’t turn out to be his soulmate if they divorced, since that kind of situation almost  _ never _ happens. That left Perry wondering a few things… 

Why did he and Charlene get married even if they knew they weren’t soulmates? Most people only went that far with someone if they  _ knew _ they were going to stay together for life. They must of had reasons to ignore their soulmarks, and he was really curious about Heinz’s reason. He was pretty sure he only cared more about his reasoning over Charlene’s because he knew Heinz more than her. 

Another question, what caused them to get divorced? It must not have been anything too terrible, since Charlene seemed to be on pretty good terms with Heinz going off of the way she talked to him. Heinz seemed a bit more annoyed by her, though. Did Charlene find her soulmate while they were married? Did they just disagree on too many things? Did  _ Heinz _ want the divorce to find his soulmate? Did he  _ already _ find his soulmate and Perry just hadn’t met them yet? His soulmate probably wasn’t his girlfriend that he tried deleting the messages from a while ago. Perry wondered if they broke up after that… 

Last question, what  _ was _ his soulmark? Perry was only a little curious, as it didn’t affect him whatsoever. But still, he was curious about it in the same way he’d be curious about what kind of music someone liked or what their favorite color was. He had seen Heinz without anything covering his arms before, but his lack of interest plus the fact he was always busy fighting or escaping meant he never saw his soulmark. Maybe if he ever got into a situation where Heinz was sleeveless and he wasn’t too busy he could sneak a glance, though that sounded unlikely. 

Conveniently, Perry got an answer to a couple of his questions not long after the whole space laser ordeal when he was sent to stop him in his woodland retreat. As it turned out, Heinz did break up with the woman he sent all those messages to, and he was getting into dating again. So, he  _ probably _ still hasn’t found his soulmate. In a strange turn of events, he ended up having to pretend to be Heinz’s brother so his date, who happened to show up immediately after him, wouldn’t know Heinz had a nemesis. Perry assumed it would be easy enough to do, considering he was already basically Laurence’s brother and he had experience not drawing too much attention to himself. Despite that, he was not prepared for what happened. 

“Oh, uh, hello. I'm looking for Strudelcutie4427.” 

Perry stood around not saying a thing (like usual) and stared off into space with an expression that said his mind was more blank than an artist’s canvas during a terrible case of art block. And yet… 

“Wow, aren’t you a handsome thing~ Are you my date for this evening?” 

Seriously?! Perry saw pictures of himself making this face and he looked about as interesting as an old sack of potatoes! She literally only noticed his good looks, and not the blank stare that screamed that he was barely self-aware enough to stand! He was  _ purposely _ trying to look as  _ dull _ as possible, but she  _ still _ flirted with him immediately. 

Heinz stepped in. “No, no!” He laughed uneasily. “Uh, that would be me. I'm  _ Strudelcutie4427 _ . Nice to meet you. Uh, this is my brother. He was just going outside for a nightly walk.” 

“Oh, could he stay a little longer? He seems so sweet.” She turned her attention to Perry. “You’re a total sweetheart, aren’t you?” 

_ Seriously!? _ He’s done nothing but stand there like an uncarved stone statue! What was wrong with this woman?!

Perry's face contorted with unease, and Heinz continued to laugh uncomfortably.

“Well, I guess he can stay a- a little bit, but- you know what they say. Three’s a crowd and whatnot.” 

Heinz got himself and his date some cucumber water while Perry sat on the couch. Right against the armrest. Leaving a ton of space open for Heinz and his date. Pretty much the whole couch. Nearly the whole thing. He didn’t take up much space. There was a ton of room for them. So much room. A ton. Lots.

_ So why the hell was this woman sitting so close to him!?!?! _

Okay, Perry knew  _ exactly _ why she was sitting so close, and it pissed him off. She was there for  _ Heinz _ , not  _ him _ . Heinz was sitting on the other end of the couch. This woman at least could’ve taken the center. 

“You are the most handsome thing I’ve ever seen. Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are?”

_ Yes. Many people. Except they were kind enough to NOT IGNORE THE FACT THAT THEY WERE CURRENTLY ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! _

Perry nodded slowly, giving up his blank stare for a much more flustered expression. 

“You know,” Heinz said, “some people say we look alike.” 

The woman barely glanced at him before speaking. 

“Uh, I don’t think so.” Her attention was still all on Perry, and she began trailing her finger up and down his arm. “He doesn’t look like you at all~”

_ ‘Please just stop. Your date is right there for fucks sake!’ _

It was a nightmare to just sit there pretending to be Heinz’s dull and boring brother while Heinz watched his date totally ignore him, being completely enamored by Perry for some ungodly reason. Perry could only imagine how this must have felt for Heinz. Maybe he should just straight up leave, even if it meant upsetting this weird woman who seemed to only be interested in Perry and not Heinz whatsoever. 

“Uh, darling, you haven't even touched your cucumber water. I made it especially for you.” 

“You know,  _ Strudelcutie4427 _ was a lot less needy online,” the woman said straight up, right next to Heinz, directly to Perry. 

Heinz sighed sadly. “I’m going to go get some air.” 

Perry felt so fucking bad for him right now. 

When the door closed behind Heinz, the woman got even more affectionate, resting her hand on his arm and leaning closer. 

“So~ I noticed that you haven’t said anything~ Did I happen to say the words of your soulmark and you’re just waiting to say something wonderful back?” 

Perry shook his head. He had never been so thankful to have not heard his soulmark in his life. 

“That doesn’t matter~ We could still end up happily together~” 

Despite leaning away, nudging her hand off, giving as many signs of his discomfort as he could, this woman just  _ would not get it _ . Does she have  _ zero  _ concept of personal space?

“Can you just imagine it? The two of us, lounging together in front of a fireplace, both reading the same romance novel while soft guitar music plays behind us.” 

Woah. Geeze. That is  _ way _ too personal… and weirdly specific. Perry couldn’t even imagine how this could get any more awkward for him. 

“Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” 

And… there it was. She was now kissing his face. Yep. He wasn’t going to let this continue any further. 

“St-” 

Both of their heads turned as they heard a scream from outside. 

“What was that? You can stay here while I investigate.” 

_ ‘Oh thank god!’ _

Perry took the opportunity to get out of there as fast as he possibly could. 

When he got back to the cabin him and his nephews were camping near, he trudged his way across the patio to get inside, not even paying attention to the kids enjoying some cocoa just by the door. 

“Hey, Perry. Why are you all covered in lipstick?” 

“Ughhhhh…” was the only way he could respond. Not only because Phineas literally could not know he was just at his nemesis’ house getting smooched up by a mad woman, but because he was just so mentally exhausted by his day that he couldn’t come up with something to say. Perry continued walking inside while hearing the kids chat. 

“Do you think he found his soulmate or something?” he heard one of the fireside girls ponder.

“In the woods this far away from home?” Baljeet asked. 

“It could happen,” Buford replied. “Maybe he found another weirdo that likes taking random walks through the woods at night.” 

“That’s ridiculous,” Phineas stated. “Just because Uncle Perry has a ton of lipstick on his cheek that doesn’t mean he found his soulmate.” 

“Then where do you think he got all the kiss marks?” Isabella asked. 

“I… don’t know…”

Perry sighed and walked to the kitchen, hoping he could find some tea to relax with, and maybe a good book. He didn’t want to be thinking about soulmates right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one more cut chapter before the original fic crosses over with the final one. From there I may have to provide a bit more context as to where chapters take place since cut chapters are mixed in with uncut ones. Despite this, I hope you'll enjoy the cut content I add on.


	3. Planning Pandamonium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No. The chapter title is not misspelled.

**Context and Information:**

And here we have another entirely cut chapter. Originally chapter 3, it featured not one, not two, but three brief Human!Perry versions of existing Phineas and Ferb episodes, and yet not a single line of dialog.

The first section was cut for the same reason as the first section of the last chapter: because it was connected to a side conflict that didn’t need to exist.

Originally, I planned to have an ongoing internal conflict for Perry in which he questioned his relationship with Heinz because of his “dangerous” and “violent” actions. I decided later that the idea was a bit ridiculous for many reasons. One, I needed to fight against my side plot addiction. Two, Heinz isn’t as “dangerous” as I made him out to be. Three, each distinct scene in every chapter already had its own conflict, so I didn’t need to pile more on top. Overall, this idea annoyed me to no end, and while it was annoying to scrape out of the original draft, I think it was worth it.

The second section was cut because the idea went nowhere, and again, was going to add another pointless side plot. As well as that, shortly after writing the scene(if you can even call it that) I got a much better plot idea involving Peter the Panda, and figured I’d save writing Peter in anything for when I really needed him.

The third section was removed simply for no longer being relevant to the plot anymore. Since I chose to have Perry see Heinz’s arms in the first chapter, this scene obviously didn’t need to exist anymore. As a result of this scene being removed, other sections of chapters were removed as well, as you’ll see at a later time.

The entire chapter also suffered from the fact that I did have any real ideas for the plot. As I mentioned before, I decided that carrying over scenes from the show shouldn't happen unless it was necessary, brief, and unique. It's very clear reading through this chapter that I only included the scenes for the sake of having them, and not to aid the plot in any way.

Enjoy, the original chapter 3 of Unfortunate Soulmarks.

* * *

Today was the first time Perry felt _genuine rage_ towards Heinz. He was going to destroy anyone who couldn’t make up their minds. While that in itself was enough of a reason to be mad at him, Perry happened to hear earlier that morning that Phineas and Ferb couldn’t make up their minds. Just the thought of losing his nephews… he wasn’t going to stand for it. He cuffed Heinz immediately, calling for backup and waiting for it to arrive after. 

Yes, it was fun being Heinz’s nemesis, and he did enjoy thwarting his schemes, but this was too far. He wouldn’t let Heinz hurt his family. If that meant ending their days as nemeses and putting him in prison, he was going to do it. 

Heinz ended up escaping, but Perry did stop his evil scheme so his nephews were safe, for now. The small amount of discomfort Perry felt knowing Heinz didn’t mind killing others was only amplified by this encounter. Now that he really knew he could lose something so important to him because of him, he wasn’t going to let himself forget it. Heinz hadn’t killed anyone yet… but he could. Perry wouldn’t let him hurt anyone. It was already his job, but now, it was personal. 

He put so much effort reminding himself that Heinz could hurt others, he wasn’t prepared when Heinz hurt _him_. 

Maybe Heinz didn’t like how Perry took the first opportunity he could that day to arrest him, or maybe he noticed that Perry had been a little more serious during the few encounters after that… maybe he just didn’t want to fight him anymore. Either way… Heinz started fighting a new nemesis. 

At first, Perry was just confused. Then, he was angry. Heinz was _his_ nemesis. Perry _chose_ to fight him. Apparently Heinz didn’t really care. Apparently, Peter the Panda was a better nemesis than him… Perry couldn’t be too mad at Peter, though. He didn’t know if Peter even knew that Heinz already had a nemesis. But still, to say he was insulted that Heinz stopped fighting him for another quiet agent, who was _also named Agent P_ , was an understatement. 

Not long after that… he just felt sad. It was true that Perry became a lot less trusting of Heinz after he unwittingly threatened to destroy his family, but he still wanted to fight him. He still wanted to thwart his evil schemes… He still had fun being his nemesis. But, if Heinz was unhappier with Peter, then there wasn’t really anything he could do. But… for some reason… the thought of not seeing him anymore… Perry felt his heart ache worse than it ever had in his life… 

Thankfully, things got somewhat sorted out, and they were nemeses again. Heinz promised to not hurt his feelings again, but he had to prove it. The only way he could prove it, was to not do it again. It would take some time for Perry’s trust to get back where it once was, and Heinz had to make sure not to lose it. 

Not too much time passed before things were back to normal again, well, minus the small loss of trust Perry was still dealing with. Heinz continued trying to take over taking over the Tri-State Area and Perry kept stopping him. Nothing of note really happened for a while, well, compared to all the crazy stuff Heinz normally does. It was all still memorable, but not anything that stood out to Perry. 

Then, a video about Heinz went viral. Perry watched as younger Heinz flew across a room in roller skates while wearing just his underwear and a cape, falling into a toilet and saying “it won’t stop flushing!” He couldn’t help but smile in amusement, even if Monogram said it was no laughing matter. Perry was tasked with finding out what Heinz was up to, like usual, and deleting the video with a Universal Delete Button he was given. 

While on his way to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. Perry felt something biting at the back of his mind. Like he was forgetting to do something. It wasn’t until he was already inside the building when he realized he lost the perfect chance to check the video of Heinz to see what his soulmark said. Since he was already making his way to Heinz, he figured he’d have to find out what it was another day. 

Perry soon learned that Heinz did not want that video to exist, and that it wasn’t a part of an evil plan at all. It almost seemed like everything would work out for everyone in the end, since both Monogram and Heinz wanted the video deleted, but Heinz wanted more than that. He was going to delete the video from everyone’s minds as well, but… didn’t succeed. Not that it _really_ would have mattered if he did, since nothing too important would’ve been lost if people forgot the video. Perry almost felt bad for him, almost. He was still trying to do evil after all. 

After informing Monogram that the video wasn’t dangerous, Perry had the chance to relax for the rest of the day. Since the video still existed, Perry took the opportunity to see what Heinz’s soulmark said, if the video was a good enough quality to do so. With the laptop on the desk in his room, he opened the video and paid attention to Heinz’s arms. 

Well, the video was clear enough to make out Heinz’s soulmark… if he had one? Perry double-checked, meaning he checked both of his arms. But… they were bare. Heinz… had no soulmark. He knew what that meant. It meant that whoever his soulmate was, they weren’t going to say anything to him at all. Was that why he tried dating so many people that obviously weren’t his soulmate? Because he would never get a great confirmation that who he was with was really his soulmate since there were many people who didn’t talk? Was it because he wanted a significant other that would talk to him?

Perry suddenly went still, staring into nothing as he realized something. 

What Heinz said to him when they first met… matched the words of his soulmark. And Perry… was someone who preferred not to talk. Was… Heinz his… 

No. That was absurd. They were enemies! Your soulmate was the person who changed your life for the better! Who helped make your life feel complete. Who was fun to… be around… 

Perry slowly shut off his laptop, closed it, got up from his computer chair, walked over to his bed, and fell forward into it… letting out a deep, long whine into his mattress. 

After a long period of thinking it over, Perry decided to ignore what he learned about Heinz’s lack of a soulmark. It was very possible that Heinz’s soulmate was not him, and that everything Perry knew about the situation was a coincidence. Still, it actually made a lot of sense to Perry that they could be soulmates, not conventional soulmates but soulmates nonetheless, but he also felt it wasn’t too big a deal either way. Heinz wanted love and Perry as his nemesis, and Perry wanted Heinz as his nemesis and didn’t care too much for finding love. Even if they were soulmates, this could still work out just fine. And Heinz didn’t need to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the fully cut chapters for a little bit, but don't worry. They'll return in all their embarrassing(at least for me) glory.


	4. Humpbacks and Hot Air Balloons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the nature of these scene alterations, formatting will be slightly different when it comes to adding context and other information.

**Context and Information:**

And finally, we’re at some chapters that made it into the final cut… mostly.

Chapters 4 and 5 of the original draft were merged into one chapter, which in the final draft, became chapter 2. Most of both chapters made it into the final draft, but a few things were altered to go along with the direction I wanted to take the story in.

The beginning exposition of chapter 4 was shortened and details were moved around to sound more natural. While I found the cut section mildly amusing, it served no real purpose to the story. It leads into Perry heading to the park, which for the most part, isn't too different from the final draft.

~

Did Heinz have the worst luck in the world or what? Perry was so sure Heinz found the love of his life since their date appeared to be a complete success. Of course, Heinz finding an equally evil if not more so wife meant possibly having a harder time fighting him/them, but knowing he finally found love like he always wanted would’ve been worth it. He looked so smitten, like he found his soulmate even if the woman technically wasn’t. But… that just wasn’t how things worked out. 

Not long after, Heinz decided to take out his anger on a bunch of whales by hurling insults at them in whale song, since apparently one of his old girlfriends left him for a whale. To add insult to injury, his old girlfriend learned her soulmate was the whale only because of the whale song translator he made for her. Perry understood how that would leave Heinz angry… but insulting people isn’t exactly illegal, and Perry would hardly even consider it evil. It was more pathetic than anything. 

When Perry tried to leave, Heinz chased after him, begging for him to foil and thwart him. All he wanted to do was go home and enjoy a day off, so evading Heinz became his main objective. He succeeded, then proceeded to head home, wondering what had happened to the egg that Phineas and Ferb decided to take care of. 

He stepped over to the open gate, seeing Candace dressed in Platypus outfit talking to Jeremy, a huge stack of mattresses, blankets, and a crib in the background. Candace looked at Perry, Perry looked at her, then he turned around and walked away. 

_Oookaaay_ … He did _not_ even want to know. A walk to the park seemed better than dealing with… whatever _that_ was.

* * *

**Context and Information:**

This section comes after the part in the final draft of chapter 2 when Heinz explains that he’s actively avoiding his soulmate, and continued until the end of the chapter. 

What makes this different from the final version is Heinz’s reaction to Perry also not looking for his soulmate. Originally, Heinz related to Perry, but I changed it after deciding to expand on Perry’s internal conflict related to his soulmark since the whole thing ended up never going anywhere in the first draft. I figured adding conflict that tied into both Perry’s personality and the overall plot would be more interesting. So, instead of Heinz agreeing with Perry, he challenged his views on his soulmark, ultimately causing Perry to put more effort into socializing and take greater risks when it came to pursuing happiness.

~

This was… awful. Even if Perry wanted to talk, he wouldn’t know what to say. 

“Hey Perry the Platypus, have you found your soulmate yet?” 

Perry froze for a moment. Did he? Was Heinz his soulmate? No. Heinz probably wasn’t his soulmate. Maybe. He didn’t know. 

Perry shook his head. Even if Heinz was his soulmate, he probably would hate knowing that the ‘perfect person’ for him was the guy whose job it was to kick his butt almost every day. 

“Oh, so, you’re still looking for your soulmate?”

At least that question was easy enough to answer. Perry shook his head again. 

“You… Don’t you want to find your soulmate?” 

Another head shake. 

“You don’t want to find your soulmate too?” Heinz smiled a little. “That… actually makes me feel a little better. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one not wanting to meet their so-called ‘perfect person’. I don’t need them… I can be perfectly happy with someone else!” Heinz smiled a bit more. “Thank you, Perry the Platypus! I was originally going to go bother another one of my ex-girlfriends’ boyfriends for tomorrow’s scheme, but I’ll come up with something better! Something worth thwarting!” 

Heinz got up from the bench and began running home. 

“GOODBYE PERRY THE PLATYPUS!” he shouted as he ran away. 

Perry smiled, happy he could make Heinz feel better. Make… him feel… better… Like how… 

Groaning, Perry hoisted himself off the bench and began walking home. Maybe a nice bath would be more relaxing. Hopefully, he could forget about the whole soulmate thing on the way home.

* * *

**Context and Information:**

This part comes from chapter 5 of the original draft(part 2 of chapter 2 in the final draft) right after Heinz sees Perry's soulmark, and was changed to go along with the change in chapter 1. 

Since I decided to make Perry see Heinz’s arms in chapter 1 on accident rather than on purpose in chapter 3, I didn’t need to add Perry trying to justify himself here. Not only did I make the change to smooth out the plot length, but I also felt that Perry, mister “trapped in a booth by societal convention,” _probably_ wouldn’t go out of his way to perform any sort of social taboo.

~

His laughter began to die down. “Okay. Okay… I’m done.” Heinz giggled. “Okay, now I’m done. Let’s just- Let’s just get you attached to the balloon.” 

That was certainly an unpleasant experience. There was a _reason_ Perry always wore long sleeves. Not like Heinz would really care. He _was_ evil after all. But still! Forcibly reading someone’s soulmark was _always_ a rude thing to do! It’s something private! And-! Perry just realized that he investigated an embarrassing video of Heinz just to see what his soulmark was… 

_‘Heinz is constantly wearing things that don’t cover his arms,_ ’ Perry assured himself. ‘ _It’s just basic human curiosity. I couldn’t control it,_ ’ he also told himself. Even as he ran through a million excuses for his decision to look at Heinz’s (lack of a) soulmark without his permission, he knew he wasn’t really justified. While it was true that it was hard not to look at someone’s soulmark if their arm was exposed, you at were least supposed to _try_ to not look at it. It was personal, and some people believed that they could end up thinking the wrong person was their soulmate if one or both people knew each other’s soulmarks. (Since real soulmates are mysteriously never influenced by their soulmate’s soulmark, it wasn’t really a problem, but that wasn’t the real issue there.) And some people had soulmarks that were just embarrassing to have, as in Perry’s case… and Heinz’s since he didn’t have one… 

Perry scolded himself for not only failing to even try to avoid looking at Heinz’s soulmark, but for actively trying to see what it was. Maybe having Heinz forcibly look at his soulmark was a form of karma. Perry didn’t know if that was the case, but he did know that he really should stop glancing at people’s soulmarks from now on.

* * *

**Extra Information:**

Unlike what usually happens, in this chapter, I didn’t remove the end for being unneeded, but instead, actually _added_ more. As I mentioned earlier, I wanted to expand on Perry’s conflict related to his soulmark, and also, his conflict related to having Heinz as his soulmate. So, in the final draft, I continued the chapter into dinnertime to show off Perry’s thoughts at that time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so, remember when I said full chapters would return in a little bit? Well, by merging the cut scenes from chapters 4 and 5, that "little bit" became what you just finished reading.
> 
> Next up, the completely cut chapter 6, which came after chapters 4 and 5 which were merged and made into chapter 2, but before chapter 7 which mostly became chapter 3 and chapter 8 in which the first half was cut, the second half becoming the first half of chapter 4. Confused? I definitely was while working on everything.


	5. De-Volition DJ

**Context and Information:**

And here we have another full chapter. Originally chapter 6, this technically would have taken place between chapters 2 and 3 of the final draft.

Get used to reading this, because, again, this was removed due to being irrelevant to the plot. It was more of me simply including events from the show without real purpose. With this chapter, I  _ sort of _ was pushing the idea that Perry and Heinz’s relationship was developing, but I decided that  _ showing _ their progress through interactions rather than summarizing important events would be much more fun to read. Along with that, it contained more of that “Heinz is dangerous” nonsense. Like, really?  _ Heinz _ capable of  _ killing _ Perry? I don’t think so, and I know Perry wouldn’t think so either.

Despite the nonsense, I hope you enjoy, the original chapter 6 of Unfortunate Soulmarks.

* * *

So apparently Heinz considered Perry his best friend. 

When he first learned about that, Perry found it kind of strange. They were  _ enemies _ . They fought each other almost every day. Was  _ he _ really the  _ best _ friend that Heinz had? 

But, as he thought about it, he realized just how friendly he was with Heinz. He pretended to be his brother so his date wouldn’t discover he had a nemesis, he helped him throw a birthday party for Vanessa, he offered him a universal delete button to remove every instance of an embarrassing video of him from the world, and helped him practice kickball then comforted him when his attempt to win his mother’s love failed. So… maybe it made sense that Heinz considered him his best friend, even if they did mostly fight. 

When thinking about if Heinz was  _ his _ best friend though… Perry had to think a little harder about it. Preferring to be either alone or with his family, Perry wouldn’t really describe himself as a person with many friends. His coworkers liked him, but he wouldn’t really consider them friends. He was only around them because it was a part of his job, which was the same situation with Heinz. Plus, his family and Heinz gave him all the socialization he needed, so he never really cared much for finding friends. It’s another thing people would consider to be sad about him, which Perry would have to disagree with. Taking all this into account, Perry still wasn’t too sure if Heinz was even a friend… let alone a  _ best _ friend. 

Although… he did enjoy fighting Heinz. And he could  _ sometimes _ do things Perry would find a little endearing. He felt proud of him when he returned a little boys kitten to him, though, it may have been because it had been causing a lot of trouble before then. Then there was that time a jetpack ripped off his clothes, revealing a pair of underpants that were covered in his face, something he found silly after the fact. Then there was that time he forced Jeff McGarland to hear his TV show pitch, only to turn down the offer to put it on television when Jeff suggested giving the agent(who  _ totally _ wasn’t based off of Perry the Platypus) a girlfriend.

Still… there were very legitimate reasons to not like him very much. Like… say… the fact that he’s evil? And the fact that he tried to defeat (see also: kill) him all the time. And while he has continued to prove he wouldn’t hurt his feelings… he still physically hurts him all the time. There were plenty of reasons for Perry to not see Heinz as his friend. 

And… this was another reason. 

“But this allows me to take over your  _ volition  _ and control what you do. Like this, watch.”

There had never been a moment in the past where Perry hoped so much that Heinz’s machine wouldn’t work. Well actually, the ‘Make Up Your Mind-Inator’ took first place while this was a very close second. 

“How do you feel, Perry the Platypus?”

A low growl left Perry’s throat as he fought back the urge belt out, ‘not okay you fucking asshole!’ If he wasn’t feeling a twisting panic in his gut and tingly numbness in his limbs, he might have thought about how  _ interesting _ of a soulmark that sentence would be. 

“Well, it doesn't matter because I'm in control.”

Heinz began leading Perry out of the apartment and down the street, continuing to talk the whole way. 

Welp… Perry just learned that his least favorite experience is being mind controlled. Though, at least a petty, incompetent person like Heinz was controlling him and not someone that would do more damage with this opportunity. Heinz forced him to skip, repeatedly slap himself,  _ nearly _ eat gum off the sidewalk, and steal a shopping cart to push him around in. Legally speaking, the worst thing Perry did under his control was steal the shopping cart, but Perry had a different opinion of what was the worst. Nearly being forced to eat the gum was the worst to him. 

Three times. Three times Heinz had forced him to bring the gum terrifyingly close to his mouth. Three times he struggled against the mind control to keep it away. Three times he cursed his own germaphobia making this experience a million times worse. 

After being forced to bring Heinz to a garbage dump to pick up Vanessa, Heinz somehow lost control of Perry’s helmet. Before Perry could relax at the thought of finally being back in control of himself, he learned he was now being controlled by someone else. That actually terrified him more. Thankfully, whoever was controlling him, helped him defeat Heinz. They also made him eat a fly which would haunt him forever but the situation was a net win technically. Then whoever was in control threw the helmet and it was all over. He finally regained control of himself. 

Perry was about to call it a day after seeing Heinz glued to the DJ table… until he heard the booing… and saw him sweating nervously… and… that look on his face… He sighed, sneaking under the DJ table and beckoning Heinz to lean down. When he did so, he slapped the mind control helmet onto him and began to make him DJ. 

It turned out a success, and Heinz seemed to be rather popular with the punk rock kids Vanessa was hanging out with. Perry slipped away so Heinz could take all the credit, giving him a thumbs-up when he turned to look at him. 

There were definitely a lot of reasons for Perry to not like Heinz. But that didn’t matter. He was his best friend, and he’d always help him if he needed it.


	6. Missed Words and Misinformation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while to post this. I'd say I was busy with other things... but I really wasn't. Unless you count playing Minecraft and Luigi's Mansion 3 as "being busy." But hey, better late than never, right? And besides, it could've been worse. I've gone 8 months without posting a new chapter for a fanfic before. But don't worry. I'll try to post the next part of this sooner.

**Context and Information:**

Okay, so… I’ve decided I might as well post the entirety of chapter 7’s first draft, since only 400 or so words of content made it to the final draft. Plus, this way, I don’t have to give nearly as much context.

The beginning three paragraphs were cut due to irrelevance, and also had the whole ‘Heinz is dangerous’ side plot nonsense mixed in. It was originally the beginning of chapter seven, which turned into the first section of chapter 3 in the final draft. After that, only the stuff up to Heinz explaining that he lost his arms was used. Everything else was cut because it either served no plot purpose or because it didn't fit the new direction I wanted the plot to go in.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

* * *

He did it  _ again _ . Heinz took control of his mind  _ again _ . Perry didn’t know if it was better or worse that he forgot who he was during the whole thing so he didn’t panic. Maybe it was better, since the way he took back control was after remembering who he was, and if he already remembered, maybe he wouldn’t have regained control  _ ever _ . 

That thought made him shudder. He was reminded of what happened a little while before then, when he had to save Danville from an alternate dimension version of Heinz. That Heinz… he  _ enslaved _ him. He not only took control of his mind, he modified his body to his liking. It made Perry sick to his stomach. Remembering that Heinz… just thinking about how his Heinz could’ve ended up like  _ him _ . How Heinz could’ve ended up as somebody who would enslave his nemesis, then force him to attack alternate versions of his own  _ family _ . 

It… actually made him grateful for his dimension’s Heinz. This one, when he got the chance to enslave his nemesis, the worst thing he did was make him power a machine to vaporize things. Petty things he didn’t like. Maybe… if he was his butler for longer… he would have made him do something terrible… but Perry had a hard time believing that. Sure… Heinz was still evil, but not  _ that _ evil. At least… he hoped that was the case. Perry fully knew he probably cared more about Heinz than he cared about him, but he hoped… maybe he cared a little bit about him back? They did sometimes hang out together after fighting. It was unlikely… but he hoped.

God it was so fucking hot here. And dry. And Heinz would not shut up about how he could shut up if he wanted to. For once Perry was annoyed at his tendency to ramble on, mostly because he was now stuck with him for hours as they made their way through the desert. His constant talking wasn’t normally a problem since they wouldn’t spend extended periods together without some sort of battle quieting him, but it was a problem now. 

Perry knew most people felt uncomfortable being around others without saying anything. Obviously, he had no problem with it. Heinz on the other hand… was noticeably fidgety when he ran out of things to say. The few times he finally closed his mouth and left Perry to his own thoughts, Perry could see him straining to think of something to talk about. He kinda wished Heinz would learn to appreciate a comforting silence. Just let himself listen to the ambiance of his surroundings and his own thoughts. 

It was quite comforting at times to just observe. Heck… even though he wouldn’t talk to Heinz anytime in the future, he was still able to get his thoughts across through facial expressions and gestures alone. Maybe Heinz would eventually learn to appreciate silence instead of continuing to ramble like he was doing right now. Perry knew that there was a good chance Heinz could be his soulmate, so maybe it would be one of the things Perry would do for him to make his life better. 

“I was sure my arm would grow back, but it never did.” 

Perry swung his head over to Heinz, who gave his left arm a few taps. He heard a couple of metallic clangs from that, and suddenly felt a little bit of dizziness in his head. 

“See? Pure Titanium. It’s a fact.” 

Heinz… lost his arm at one point. He… what if…?

Perry tapped on Heinz’s shoulder, getting his attention as they continued walking together.

“Do you need something Perry the Platypus?”

God, why did he have to say that? It wasn’t his whole soulmark again, but it was still an unpleasant reminder. 

Perry tapped his arm where his soulmark is, and pointed to Heinz’s left arm. 

“Huh? Was my soulmark on this arm?” 

A slow nod.

“Oh… erm, no.”

That was a little relieving. 

“It was actually on my right one.” 

_ WHAT?! _

“I lost my right arm under a boulder a little into high school. It’s a good thing I already built my left arm by then, because it would’ve been a  _ nightmare _ if I hadn’t. Of course, my left arm was lost and replaced  _ way _ before my right one, so it’s not like it was a nick of time sort of thing.”

Perry pointed at his right arm, where his soulmark would have been. 

“Huh?” 

Perry drew a line down the length of his own arm, then pointed back to Heinz’s arm.

“Are you… asking me what it said?” 

He nodded. Heinz’s cheeks went bright red.

“Oh um… I… don’t really want to talk about it. I’ve got… a lot of bad memories associated with it and… Look I know I talk about my past all the time, but this is something I really don’t want to share…” 

The air went quiet, and Perry began to stare at the ground. What was he  _ thinking _ ? Why did he ever think Heinz could be his soulmate? That was ridiculous! They. Were.  _ Enemies _ ! They didn’t change each other's lives for the better! They literally fought each other all the time! Soulmates don’t fight each other! 

He told himself it wasn’t likely that Heinz was his soulmate… and they were enemies with each other… so why did he care about this so much?

“Perry the Platypus… are you okay?” 

He didn’t respond, continuing to look the ground. 

“Perry?” 

After a couple blinks, he looked up at Heinz, who appeared to be a bit concerned. 

“What’s wrong? You went all quiet. I mean, you’re normally quiet, but it felt like the wrong  _ kind _ of quiet, you know? Like, sometimes you’re mad quiet. And sometimes you’re bored quiet. Right now… you seem like you’re sad quiet, instead of annoyed quiet like you were since we got stranded here.” 

Perry waved away his observation, then pointed to himself and gave a thumbs-up.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Because after I told you about my arms, you didn’t seem to be doing too great.”

Perry nodded and turned his head to the miles of desert ahead of him.

“Okay…”

They continued walking in silence after that. And it wasn’t the kind of silence Perry liked. It was the awkward silence everyone was afraid of. 

“Wait…” Heinz suddenly said. “You… asked me what my soulmark was. Before then, you would have thought I didn’t have one. You would have thought my soulmate was someone who didn’t talk. Did you… Did you think we were soulmates?” 

Perry jumped, not expecting him to have actually figured out why he was upset. 

“Is that a yes?”

With gritted teeth, he looked away. 

“Perry the Platypus… were you…  _ hoping _ we were soulmates?”

A small whine slipped past Perry’s lips.

“Does this mean- Do you have  _ feelings _ for me?” 

Perry immediately turned to Heinz and frantically waved away that assumption, violently shaking his head no. 

“Okay, okay.  _ Geez _ . I get it.” 

He relaxed. 

“So um… did you think we were more platonic soulmates? Like… weird friends or something?”

That was sort of what he thought. Maybe platonic friends was still too far… but Heinz was on the right track of what he thought, so he nodded. 

“To be fair… that isn’t  _ too _ odd of an assumption to make. You do help me a lot... and it’s been fun having you as my nemesis…” Heinz went quiet for a second. “Well, I don’t know what you’ve been getting out of our nemesis-ship, but whatever it is, it wouldn’t be  _ that _ weird to think I could possibly be your soulmate. I did greet you with your soulmark after all.” 

Heinz went quiet again for a moment as they both continued walking. 

“But… you’re not my soulmate. Even if you did talk, which I don’t know if you can but you never do, you wouldn’t ever say the words of my soulmark.” Heinz’s cheeks went red. “Just… trust me on that one.” 

Perry nodded, trying to forget about this situation. 

“If you ever did talk, I imagine you’d be polite and formal. Am I right on that? Ooh, would you have an accent? What would you sound like? What  _ do _ you sound like? Can you talk?” 

With a nod, Perry faintly chuckled.

“You can! So would you have an accent? Well, everyone has an accent, but you know what I mean. Would it be like a southern accent? Or a French accent? Or what if you had an English accent?” 

That last one was actually correct, but he decided Heinz didn’t need to know that. 

“I have to know what you sound like! Talk to me?” 

Perry shook his head.

“Dangit! You’re no fun!” Heinz pouted and crossed his arms. “I talk to you all the time, but you won’t say anything to me. That’s rude Perry the Platypus. You’re rude.” 

With a roll of his eyes, Perry endured more of Heinz’s chatting as they moved forward. 

…

After more walking through the desert, then an attempt from Heinz to steal parts from a junkyard to build something to get them moving faster (and informing Heinz that his failures were his own fault by pointing his accusatory finger back at him), then more walking through the desert, then Heinz walking off after getting mad at Perry, they both managed to find a bus station at around the same time. 

When Perry found the bus station, he saw Heinz crying about something to the bus driver, and decided to buy a couple bus tickets. Walking over, he found Heinz crying on the ground about being a failure, and decided to stop him so they could get on the bus.

“Two bus tickets?” He stood up and took the tickets from Perry. “Oh, Perry the Platypus, you’re a mensch. I-I know I can be testy and unpleasant and I know I tend to ramble on and on, to be fair, the burden of conversation tends to fall on me in our relationship.”

Perry just stood with an annoyed look. 

“A-And I know I haven’t always given you the respect you deserve. A-Anyway I, I want you to know that, you are appreciated Perry the Platypus. You. Are. Appreciated.”

While that speech was heartwarming and all, Perry was currently on fire from the desert heat and would very much like to get on the bus right about now. 

After witnessing Heinz collect his own tear in a vial to “save for next time”, (honestly that’s not even close to the weirdest thing Perry’s seen him do), it seemed like they were finally going to get on the bus. 

“Come on. You can have a window seat.”

Perry followed Heinz onto the bus. 

“Hold it,” he heard from the driver while being pushed off, “no fedoras allowed.” 

Perry’s jaw dropped at that ridiculous rule. He took the hat off and put it away. 

“Sorry pal. Unless you’re going to leave that thing behind, you can’t ride. Company policy.”

With a growl, Perry crossed his arms. His fedora was too valuable and important to leave behind. Monogram would kill him if he lost it. 

“Good day, then.” 

“Tough break,” Heinz added the  _ second _ after the driver ducked back in. “Thanks for the ticket though.” 

As Perry watched the bus pull away, he had the  _ pleasure _ of hearing Heinz exclaim “Sweet! It’s air conditioned in here!” 

Before he could let himself get  _ too _ pissed about the situation, he started following the road the bus took to Danville. 

It was a good thing Heinz was far off in the distance now, because if he wasn’t he definitely would have said some things to him. Some… not so friendly things. He would have shot a few words at him while the bus was still around… but he didn’t want to risk children hearing him. 

_ “You. Are. Appreciated.” _

Yeah right. What kind of jackass goes on a big monologue about how important you are only to leave you behind immediately after? Heinz apparently. 

A middle finger was something he felt he’d give Heinz once all this was over. Normally, he stayed strictly professional unless the circumstance called for something else, but Perry was sure Monogram wouldn’t mind if he expressed how pissed he was to Heinz. 

Honestly, what else should he have expected? He already knew he cared more about Heinz than he cared about him. Of course he’d choose his play over his nemesis! He probably wouldn’t even make it on time while riding the bus, which was even more infuriating! Heinz just got to relax on an air conditioned bus for a couple hours while he had to trek through the desert for who knows how long, all because Heinz only cared about himself. 

Once the adrenaline from his seething rage died down, Perry was just left tired and exhausted from the heat and all the walking he had been doing. He was sweating up a storm, which he found extremely gross, and his empty stomach was started to gnaw at the back of his mind. All he wanted to do was eat and take a nap under the tree in his backyard. And drink a glass of water. That would be nice too.

As he took a small second to rest, he noticed himself get covered in shadow. He looked up at whatever was causing this, only to see… 

“Enjoying the shade, Perry the Platypus?” Heinz said as he hovered above him. “It’s your jetpack! I found it stuck in the mouth of a fiberglass dinosaur. And how often does that happen, when you really need it?” He extended his hand. “Climb aboard. Come on, come on.”

Perry would have to deal with his anger for Heinz later. There was no way he was going to refuse an offer to get the hell out of this place faster. 

Heinz laughed excitedly as he pulled Perry up and helped him onto the jet pack, singing a short self-insert version of Perry’s theme song as they began flying. 

It was a little awkward sitting on the jetpack, though the alternative was clinging onto Heinz’s front which… no thanks. The most comfortable position he found was letting his legs hang behind the jetpack handles while his hands held onto the front. It worked out for a bit… until Heinz said that they weren’t going to make it in time. 

Okay… Heinz deserved this. 

Perry got to work tightening the straps on the jet pack. After clarifying through gestures that he planned on hitting the turbo switch and that he trusted Heinz to keep control of the jetpack, Perry flipped the switch and clung onto Heinz’s shoulders for dear life. 

They did end up making it, and apparently everyone enjoyed Heinz’s entrance (crashing through the roof). 

Heinz turned to Perry once the curtains closed

“Haha! We got him good!” he said, seeming very much pleased to have destroyed Rodney’s chance at the part. “And I couldn’t have done it without you,” he said while pointing to Perry. 

Perry pointed the finger back at Heinz. This was his victory. He found the jetpack and came back for his nemesis, and helped steer the jetpack in turbo mode to the play.

“Oh, Perry the Platypus.” He took out the vial that held the tear he collected and put it back in his eye. “See, I knew I’d need it later.” 

(Again, somehow not the weirdest thing Perry’s seen him do.)

…

After enjoying a light meal once he got home, Perry walked into the backyard and laid in the shade of the tree. Letting out a sigh, he closed his eyes and enjoyed being left with his thoughts.

While Heinz seemed to have only cared about himself at first, it seemed like he had a change of heart since he came back for him. Perry was pretty grateful for that. If he hadn’t returned, he’d probably still be walking through the desert right now. He probably wouldn’t have even made it back by dinnertime! 

It was really nice of him to have returned. Maybe… Maybe Heinz cared about him more than Perry gave him credit for…

* * *

**Extra Information:**

So fun fact! In my pursuit to have a Human!Perry version of the bus stop scene in Road to Danville that played out nearly identically to the original episode (for whatever reason), I decided to have a random “No Fedoras” policy on the bus, as you’ve just read. What didn’t even make it into ANY draft (so frankly, I’m surprised I still remembered it) was that the explanation for that policy, is that there was an incident where a shaky man in a fedora fought an old woman on the bus, causing a disturbance. It’s a ridiculous reason to ban fedoras, but I think it still would’ve been fitting for a Phineas and Ferb fanfic. 


	7. Memory Trips and Moral Slips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said this chapter was going to take less time than the last one... and then the opposite became true. Can you blame me though? I mean, Animal Crossing New Horizons came out! How can you expect that to NOT take over my life? Also something about a virus going around and eh whatever. But Animal. Crossing. I hope you all understand. Also, I hope you can enjoy this new "chapter" despite it coming a bit late.

**Context and Information:**

This section is from what originally was chapter eight, before what you’re about to read got scrapped and the rest went on to become part of chapter 4 in the final draft. It was scrapped due to both being irrelevant, almost a direct copy from the show, and also referencing things from previous chapters that needed to be cut as well.

~

Man… Heinz’s life really sucked. 

Like, Perry’s heard all these stories before, but they usually slipped his mind while trying to stop Heinz’s attempts at Tri-State Area domination. His parents really sucked… his peers sucked… the world just really seemed to hate him. It was no wonder why he’s so pessimistic. Just watching these memories on a screen hurt, actually going through them must have been torture. 

His life didn’t seem to be a complete pile of garbage though. After learning that he was filling an enormous dome with his painful backstories so he could reinject them and become more evil, with a lawn gnome going up a meter showing how close he was to his goal, Vanessa walked in. The wonderful memories she reminded Heinz of actually managed to lower the meter, almost reversing his progress! So… at least there was one thing keeping him happy. 

To try to get on track, Norm reminded him of his journey to America (which sucked), the embarrassing high school video he was in (that got made into an even more embarrassing digital remix), and his awful date with Linda (Perry could still hardly believe that was a thing that actually happened. What were the odds? Perry also didn’t know if it was good or bad that she got him into the whole “take over the Tri-State Area” thing). 

Then… they got into his love life. Starting off with… 

“You are the most handsome thing I’ve ever seen. Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are?” 

Ugh… Perry didn’t want to think about her. Could she have cared even less about Heinz? Probably not. He still doesn’t have a good explanation for all the lipstick marks he got on his face that day. 

Then Norm reminded Heinz of the whale one of his girlfriends left him for, then his girlfriend that got zapped with his De-Love-inator (so that’s what broke them apart), and then Charlene visited to give Heinz his alimony check. 

Perry was surprised those were the only failed love attempts displayed, since he knew for a fact Heinz dated more people. Maybe they were too personal to be shown to him? Maybe they included something about his soulmark which Heinz didn’t want him to see? It didn’t seem to matter much when it came to filling the Gnome-O-Meter since they were moving onto his failed -inators. 

A pretty large compilation of failures later, and the meter was almost full. Perry managed to escape and attack Heinz, and by doing so, accidentally create the last memory needed to send the gnome over the top of the meter. The memories were sent back to Heinz, and they started to transform him into a horrible monster. He grabbed Perry with his enormous, clawed hand, looking him in the eye and smiling with his razor sharp teeth. 

Perry needed to stop it, but how? Wait, Vanessa! Heinz’s wonderful memories of her reversed most of his progress. So maybe… 

Pulling out his wallet, Perry showed Heinz a bunch of photos of them having fun together, trying to induce happy memories. It worked, and Heinz shrunk down to his normal self, crashing into his inator just before Perry hang glided away. 

It was nice knowing he had such a positive impact on Heinz’s life. Even if he wasn’t his soulmate or anything, that didn’t mean he couldn’t be an important part of his life like one. Heinz and him actually seemed to like each other more than Perry had thought… 

Maybe that’s why he wasn’t averse to the idea of dancing with him on New Years Day.

* * *

**Context and Information:**

Surprise! Another entirely cut chapter! 

Originally chapter 9, this chapter focused on Heinz becoming good by, once again, directly copying from the show. The beginning also served to tell the reader about the progression of Perry and Heinz’s relationship, but I felt I figured that just _showing_ them interact more intimately would suffice. 

If I recall correctly, this chapter specifically is what really made me consider posting the unused sections of Unfortunate Soulmarks, since I felt there were some pretty good moments in here that would go to waste otherwise. But, as much as I loved this chapter, I still feel that cutting it was the right choice due to all the aforementioned problems. 

Anyway, onto the chapter!

~

Okay… Maybe Perry was getting a little _too_ friendly with Heinz. Just a little… Just a tiny amount too much… 

Anyway, he helped Heinz build an -inator at one point. That… didn’t look great on his record… It was sort of worth it in Perry’s eyes. Heinz’s ideas were getting awful… and he wanted help… and it’s not like he even got to fire it… and how could he refuse that? It was his job to fight him, right? If Heinz didn’t have anything good to build, he didn’t have a job, right? It was for his job, right? 

No. Obviously not. Perry wasn’t even going to pretend like he didn’t have a soft spot for Heinz. He was evil, but he was also goofy, and determined, and creative, and fun to be around, and sometimes… he was pretty caring. 

Maybe that was the reason why he was fine with standing with Heinz at Niagara Falls, placing his hand on his as they appreciated the view. Maybe that was why even when Heinz hired a mercenary to capture him (who then went rogue), Perry didn’t get too mad at him after they worked together to survive. Maybe that was why he didn’t mind being his wingman even when he was tricking a woman into liking him. Maybe that was why he agreed to help Heinz find treasure in the castle he inherited. Maybe that was why he offered a blanket and comfort when he was cowering on the balcony with a bat in his lab. Maybe… 

When father’s day came along, he helped Heinz find his old lawn gnome to give to his father as a gift, they even went all the way to Gimmelshtump to give it to him. It… didn’t turn out too well, but… 

“At least there's _one_ relationship in my life that's worked out pretty well. Thanks for coming along, Perry the Platypus. Let's go home.” … “You are my rock. And by that, I mean you're there for me, you're not made out of rock. You're actually made out of… well, man, probably.”

Perry felt that no matter how much he cared about Heinz he still would have rescued him when Professor Mystery kidnapped him, though he might not of left immediately to find him instead of waiting for Monogram to finish talking. And… he probably wouldn’t have had the same pit in his stomach. 

Geez. With how much he seemed to care about Heinz, Perry almost worried he might start helping him to do evil! Okay… maybe not. Perry cared too much about his family to do that, and his job. But… Heinz was definitely having an effect on him. He was beginning to worry about if he was getting too friendly with his sworn enemy… if he would care so much about him that it might affect his job. 

But it appeared it didn’t matter anymore.

“There you are! Perry the Platypus, grab a screwdriver and help us!” 

_‘Uh… okay?’_

Heinz explained in a rush while building the Time-Straighten-Out-Inator with him and Vanessa that he was good and that he needed to stop the entire universe from tearing apart. Perry was skeptical, but they were all in too much of a rush to really discuss anything. 

After informing them there was a risk to hitting the button but that it was the best option, Heinz asked if they were with him. Vanessa said she was, and Perry gave a thumbs up and a hum of approval. 

Heinz hit the button… and time continued as normal. 

Vanessa hugged Heinz happily, then they began discussing what he’d do now that he was good. Perry hung back, letting them chat, then saw that the -inator wasn’t even plugged in… But, then… who… 

Phineas and Ferb. It was them. For sure. Perry didn’t have any doubts about it. If there was anyone else that could fix the flow of time and save the universe, it was them. But… Heinz could think he saved the day. It was another victory that he deserved, even if he didn’t actually accomplish his goal. 

They all ate muffins together. Heinz talked about everything that happened in all the loops he went through, informing Perry that he actually _did_ manage to take over the Tri-State Area but wasn’t satisfied once he did. Vanessa talked about how excited she was to intern for the O.W.C.A, which Perry was excited for too. Then they discussed Heinz joining the O.W.C.A, and how he’d try to do a little better this time, since the last time sort of sucked, and he was fired for a reason. But this time, he’d make sure not to reveal anyone’s identities, and he’d also try not to make fun of the other agents, and he’d prove he was a good agent. 

Perry was so proud of him. 

“Perry the Platypus?” Heinz asked as Perry was just about to take his jetpack back home. 

He stopped, turning around to let Heinz speak. 

“I know that I won’t be your nemesis anymore, and you won’t be mine, since, you know, I’m good now, but…” Heinz rung his hands together. “Do you think… you could still visit me sometimes? I know you won’t really have a reason to, since you’ll probably have to start fighting another villain, and that might make you a little busy, and I really don’t want to force you to spend your time with me if you don’t want to. But, if you have time and you feel like it… could you, maybe, visit me?” 

A metal clang was heard as Perry set his jetpack, and soon Heinz was enveloped in a soft embrace. 

“D… Does this mean you _will_ visit me?”

Perry took a step away, holding onto Heinz’s hands while looking at him straight on, then giving a firm nod. 

Tears welled up in Heinz’s eyes. 

“Th-Thank you, Perry the Platypus.” 

A tear fell, and Perry let go of one of Heinz’s hands to wipe the tear away with his thumb.

“I… I couldn’t have asked for a better nemesis, or friend, or… anything. You’re… you’re really important to me. You know that?” 

And now Perry was beginning to tear up. He rushed in for another hug, holding Heinz close as he struggled not to cry. 

“Are you going to cry too, Perry the Platypus? It’s okay if you are. I won’t judge. I’m a good guy now, and that’s not what good guys do. I’m pretty sure. Like… ninety-seven percent sure.” 

Perry breathed a laugh as he felt a tear slide down his cheek. With a sniff, Perry buried his the side of his face against Heinz’s shoulder. 

“I really mean it when I say you’re important to me. You’re the best thing to have happened to me, besides Vanessa of course. You’ve changed my life, so much. You’ve made me so happy. You’ve given me exactly what I needed to keep pushing forward. There’s no way I could ever repay you for everything you’ve given me, so I’ll just have to settle for thanking you. Again, thank you. And thank you again. And again. And only a million more ‘thank you’s to go until I’m a little bit closer to showing you how thankful I am.” 

Another sniff, and Perry took a step away. 

“Wow,” Heinz said, reaching to Perry’s face. “You really did cry. A lot. But you’re quieter than I am so I barely noticed.” He wiped away Perry’s tears. 

Hand still against the side of Perry’s face, Heinz looked into Perry’s eyes, and Perry looked into his. Soft. Warm. Comforting. … Caring. 

Heinz retracted his hand and blushed. Perry cleared his throat and looked away. 

“Well, I’m sure you’ve got things to do. I’ll see you soon, right?” 

Perry looked back and nodded, soon reaching down to his jetpack and putting it on. 

“Great! I’ll see you then! Goodbye!” 

After a wave ‘goodbye’, Perry started his jetpack and began flying home.

“THANK YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!” Heinz called out after him, brightening the smile Perry already had. 

… 

When Perry arrived home, the first thing he wanted to do was confirm his hypothesis that Phineas and Ferb did in fact save the universe, because if so, they definitely deserve a pat on the head for it. How he was going to ask them about it, Perry hadn’t figured out yet. 

“Hi Uncle Perry! We saved the universe today!” 

Well, that was easy. 

Perry gave Phineas a curious look as he walked over to him, Ferb, their friends, and Candace. 

“We got sucked into a time rift that brought us to a weird gray place, then we built a catapult to get ourselves out. It was kinda spooky in there, but we got out and saved the day!” 

“Well, _I_ was the one who threw the spoon at the self destruct button on the Do-Over-Inator,” Candace not-so-humbly bragged. 

Perry's eyes went wide. 

“Yeah, after you activated the machine and threatened the entire fabric of reality!” Baljeet pointed out.

Perry’s eyes went even wider. Heinz didn’t mention how the Do-Over-inator was activated. But apparently _Candace_ activated it.

“Touché.”

“At least she helped to fix it,” Isabella added. 

“Phineas, Ferb, Candace. It’s time for dinner,” Linda said from the sliding glass door.

“Okay mom,” Phineas replied. “Well be there in a minute.” 

The kids began to stand up. 

“Goodbye you guys. Thanks for helping us save the world!” 

Perry stood at the door, ruffling Phineas and Ferb’s hair as they walked inside with Candace following behind them. 

“Candace.”

She stopped in her tracks, slowing turning to Perry. 

“Yeah Perry?” 

“Good job.”

“Oh, uh… thank you?”

His expression got a tad more serious.

“Please be more careful.” 

“Oh, I will. Trust me. I don’t plan on messing with anyone’s weird machines ever again.”

After a firm nod, Perry’s expression lightened, and he ruffled Candace's hair as she tried to slip past him. 

“Ack! Stop it!” 

She was smiling, as was Perry.

The smell of lightly seasoned potatoes and corn welcomed Perry inside as he stepped through the door, and soon he was enjoying dinner with his family. 

…

“Agent P.”

Perry lifted his wrist to get a good view of his communicator. 

“Sorry to contact you at such a late hour, but we recently got word from Doofenshmirtz that he’s decided to be a good guy. He also says he wants to join the agency again.” 

It _was_ late, so late that Perry had just slipped into bed, but he obviously had to listen to what Monogram was calling about. 

“As suspicious as that sounds, Vanessa has confirmed that he’s given up evil so she could continue visiting him, and said Doofenshmirtz temporarily became ruler, only to decide that he didn’t want to be anymore. That’s what Doofenshmirtz said, but since we know for sure that Vanessa is on our side, her word was more trustworthy.”

That was understandable, but why was he calling _him_. 

Perry pointed to himself. 

“Oh, yes, why I called you. You see, Doofenshmirtz may be good now, but that doesn’t mean he can’t cause trouble, as you’ve had much experience with.” 

Wasn’t _that_ an understatement. 

“There is also the possibility of him returning to evil. While he does seem genuine on his reformation, it is still something to consider. So, you will be in charge of stopping him from doing anything dangerous, if that situation ever comes up.”

Perry nodded. 

“Good. As for him rejoining the O.W.C.A, he still has to pay for the crimes he has committed. Last time, his work for the agency counted as community service, but given his track record here, he will need to undergo training so everyone can be assured that he doesn’t cause trouble again. And since training doesn’t count as community service, he’ll either have to serve his sentence in prison before undergoing training, or find some other way to pay for his misdeeds until he is fully trained and ready to become a full time agent again. We are still in the process of setting up a court date and making arrangements, but I will inform you as soon as progress has been made. Or Doofenshmirtz will, as he seems to consider you a close friend.” 

Another nod.

Monogram paused, thinking to himself for a moment. 

“Agent P, while otherwise flawless, your record is filled with instances of you fraternizing with Doof. I used to think that was a problem, but in hindsight, it seems like you were slowly reforming him. So, good work Agent P. Your good nature seemed to have rubbed off on him. Hopefully, he won’t return to his old ways.” 

That was one way to see the situation. Perry was glad Monogram saw it as a good thing. He gave a nod. 

“Well, good night Agent P. I’ll keep you updated.” 

After giving a salute, the call ended and Perry finally had a chance to lay down. 

Hopefully Heinz would get off easy. Perry felt like he didn’t deserve prison, even if he did cause mountains of property damage, threaten multiple government officials, attempt to cause a civil war, and countless other things. Okay… a bunch of things he did were pretty bad, but… Perry felt really bad imagining him sitting in a cell for years… That reasoning may have been a little selfish, but Perry didn’t really care right now. Right now, Perry wanted to get a full night of rest. So, he pulled up the covers and closed his eyes. He’d be able to think more clearly about the situation tomorrow. 

For the first time in a while, Perry had the chance to relax and sleep for a good amount of time, so he wasn’t going to waste it staying up worrying about the fate of the man he loved. 

…

Wait… What was that last thought… 

… 

Shit.


	8. Conflicts and... You'll See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got distracted by Animal Crossing again. My Switch is on my desk, on, so I can grind star fragments as I type this. No, I don't have a problem, I swear. 
> 
> Anyway, this is the end of all the cut content, stuffed with stuff to make up for forgetting to update this a few times. I hope you enjoyed this weird ride along with me.

**Context and Information:**

This decently sized section is the latter half of what was originally chapter 10, but was later turned into the first third of chapter 5 in the final draft. 

Rather than being entirely cut, most of what’s here was altered to be less… tedious. In short, I felt like the conversation just went in circles, and the whole thing could have been done better. Plus, I felt like the step into their romantic relationship came a bit suddenly, so in the final draft, I made sure to have them become more intimate a bit sooner, so their kiss didn’t come out of the blue.

~

They weren’t doing the waltz anymore. Instead, they were slowly rocking to the beat of the music, their arms losing the correct positions in favor of letting their hands rest against each other’s back and waist. The distance between their bodies became shorter. Their eyes drifted shut. The air between them became warm with their mingling breaths. Their lips moved closer.

When Perry finally felt the warm press of his lips, he could do nothing but draw himself closer as he savored the experience. Perry felt Heinz’s hands caressing his waist as he tilted his head and kissed deeper, reaching up and threading his fingers through his hair. His heart was racing, as was Heinz’s. A moment later, the music ended, and so did their kiss. 

After slowly opening his eyes, Heinz let out a short whine and stepped back. 

“Sorry! I- I didn’t really um, I just… uh…” He rubbed his arm and looked away, cheeks bright red. “I… wasn’t really thinking about what I was doing.” 

Perry wasn’t really thinking about it either. One moment they were dancing, and the next, they were kissing. But… it wasn’t exactly bad, right?

Carefully, Perry reached out to Heinz, gently resting his hand against the side of his face. This got his attention, his breathing getting heavier. 

“Oh, um, was um- did-” He chuckled nervously. “So um, yeah. It, was something, that happened.” 

Perry stepped closer. 

“Did you… like, that it happened?” 

With small smile, Perry nodded. 

“Oh,” Heinz said with a relieved sigh. “I mean, um, that’s good, because, it would have been bad if you didn’t, because… you wouldn’t have… liked it.” More nervous chuckling slipped past his lips, and he began scratching his neck. 

With a questioning expression, Perry tilted his head. Using his free hand, Perry gently pointed to Heinz. 

“Are, are you asking if _I_ liked that it happened?” 

A nod. 

“Oh… Okay… um…” Heinz sheepishly smiled. “Y-Yes. I really liked that it happened.”

Slowly, Perry slipped his hand to the back of Heinz’s head. 

“If… If I’m not being rude, could- Could we maybe- um…” 

Perry hadn’t seen him this nervous in a while. It was kind of cute, but he wanted him to relax. He offered a gentle smile, which seemed to be somewhat effective. 

“Can it be… a thing that happens again? It was… really nice…” 

Instead of giving a nod or shake of his head, Perry simply leaned in, connecting their lips in another comforting kiss. Heinz’s hands returned to Perry’s waist, and they let themselves enjoy the moment. 

A content sigh left Heinz as he pulled away, and for once, he seemed to be completely lost for words. That was fine, though. Perry took Heinz’s hands in his, and offered a smile until he could think of something to say. 

“So…” His cheeks continued to grow red. “Um… I… liked that a lot. Did… you like it too?” 

Perry couldn’t help but roll his eyes at how hopeless Heinz was. He gave a firm nod, trying to get the point across. Yes. He liked it. That’s why he kissed him again. 

“Okay. Good,” Heinz said, turning his head away. “I just… wanted to make sure, you know? Make sure that… that you also liked, kissing, together.” 

Going completely silent, Heinz retracted his hands and hugged his own arms, his posture nearly completely closed off. It was… not like him at all. For a moment Perry wondered… did he do something wrong? Heinz said he liked both the kisses… so why was he acting like this? 

Carefully, Perry tapped his shoulder, getting him to look at him. 

“It’s really quiet in here,” he said matter-of-factly, making his way to the CD player. “I’ll swap this disc out for another one, unless, you don’t want me to? Do you want to keep dancing? It’s alright if you don’t. We can just listen to the music if you don’t want to dance, unless you actually have to be somewhere right now, in which case, don’t let me keep you up. I was just offering a suggestion. I can just give you your CDs back if you have to go. You want them back right? Wait, duh. Of course you’d want them back, they’re-” 

This was too much rambling, even for Heinz. While he did have a tendency to just talk on and on, he usually was still trying to convey a point. Right now, it appeared he was just talking to fill the air. If it weren’t for his sweating and nervous expression, someone could assume the silence of the apartment was what was making him uncomfortable. But Perry knew better. He knew that Heinz was trying to get him to forget about what happened. 

“I mean it’s probably not _that_ dirty and you could probably- Perry the Platypus? What-” 

Before he could finish rambling, which was probably never going to stop anyway, Perry pulled Heinz into his arms, holding him tightly against his chest. Heinz froze, before wrapping his arms around Perry and letting out a sob. 

“I’m sorry,” Heinz croaked. “I’m scared, okay?” 

Perry pulled him away, giving him a confused and worried look. 

“N-Not of you. I could never be scared of you. You’re so nice to me, especially since I became good.” He wiped his eyes. “I’m scared of myself. I’m… I’m scared I’m going to ruin everything like I always do. I’m scared I’m going to make you hate me like everyone I’ve ever tried getting close to.” As soon as he cleared away his tears, more returned. Heinz rushed back into Perry’s arms, trembling as he clung to him for comfort. 

“You’re all I have for a lot of things. You’re my only friend, and you do fun things with me all the time, and you let me talk to you, and…” He laughed weakly. “You’re the only person that I can be like… this… with. Vanessa would be grossed out if I cried around her, and Norm stinks when it comes to emotional support.” Heinz pressed his forehead against Perry’s chest, letting out another sob. “If I lose you… I lose almost everything. I don’t… I can’t…” 

A series of sobs escaped Heinz as Perry did his best to soothe him, caressing his back until his crying died down. 

Heinz released a shaky breath, pulling away from Perry’s embrace. 

“I’m sorry for crying so much. It’s just… you mean a lot to me. I don’t think I even have to prove that at this point.” 

Perry nodded. 

Slowly, Heinz let out another breath. 

“I really didn’t want to be rude. I know you probably wanted me to talk about our kisses and stuff, but… I just got so worried.” Heinz paused, rubbing his eyes, then looked at Perry straight on. 

“Perry the Platypus, I… I want to be honest with you. I’ve been really scared about our relationship for a long time. Ever since you started being nice to me, I was afraid I’d do something that would get you to stop. It wasn’t that bad at first, but then you started doing so many nice things for me, and you started holding my hand and comforting me… and…” His tears returned. “...And I was happy. I was happy because I finally had someone that was nice to me. The closest I’ve ever had to that was Charlene, but you know how that turned out…”

Since Perry first learned about her, it looked to him like Heinz was the one who held any hatred when it came to the breakup, and Charlene seemed pretty peaceful about it. Though, if she was the only person he had that was nice to him… it would make sense that he’d resent her for wanting to leave. 

“It sometimes feels like… like I’m not allowed to be too happy with other people. Whenever I’ve been really happy with someone, something always makes them want to leave. It’s… not always hard to figure out what. Usually it’s my own fault… I’m just… terrible at relationships, and especially at being a boyfriend.” Heinz breathed, wiping his own tears away. “I’m scared that… if our relationship changes, I’ll do something to mess it up and you won’t like me anymore. I-I’d love to kiss you more, and hug you, and just… be happy with you more often… but…” with a harsh sigh, Heinz turned away. “I always have this feeling like I’m one mistake away from messing everything up. And… I don’t want to mess everything up with you.” He looked down sadly. 

“I, I care about you so much, but I’m worried that… if we got any closer… I’d mess everything up and you’d never want to see me again…” 

While Heinz continued to look sad, Perry thought of a plan to fix this. 

“You can go if you want, Perry the Platypus. I know I can be kind of ann- Woah! WOAH! Hey! What are you doing?!” 

What he was doing was picking Heinz up bridal style and carrying him to the couch. He dropped him off on the left most cushion, hearing him let out an “oof”, then sat down in the middle of the couch. 

“You know, you could have just pointed to the couch and I could have _walked_ there.” His cheeks went a little pink. “I mean, I liked when you carried me like that but… Hey! You’re trying to be more nice to me, aren’t you?” 

Instead of answering the question, he simply slid closer to Heinz and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 

“You are! I told you that it makes me nervous! And yet… and yet you’re…” his voice faded away, his expression softening. A faint smile appeared.

“I… used to sit with Charlene like this. We’d watch TV, and she’d have her head against my shoulder,” Heinz slowly lowered his head onto Perry’s shoulder, letting out a content sigh, “and those moments… were always the best. We were a happy couple, and I’d forget about my terrible past, and all my failures, and my awful luck. I could just… relax.” 

Heinz leaned closer, snaking one hand behind Perry’s back and the other across his chest, coming to a rest on his arm. Letting out a calm hum, he closed his eyes. 

“You know what’s funny, Perry the Platypus? Before today, we did things like share an umbrella when it was raining, watch the sunset until the sky was full of stars… hold hands… When we were doing that stuff, I didn’t really think of those things as romantic, even though I normally would. I was just having a great time with my nemesis, my best friend… And… you didn’t seem to think of those things as romantic either. It just felt normal to me. It was just… us being us…” 

After releasing a long breath, Heinz pulled away and looked to Perry with an earnest expression. 

“Perry, do you want to be my boyfriend?” 

A hint of blush crept into Perry’s cheeks, and he nodded. 

“And… I want to be _your_ boyfriend. We both, want to be together.” 

There was another nod from Perry. Heinz took a deep breath. 

“This… could work. We’ve casually been doing stuff couples do for a while, and neither of us really thought much of it. If-” Heinz took another breath. “If there’s anyone I could see staying with me for a long time, it’s you.”

With a smile, Perry gently reached for Heinz hands and took them in his. Heinz smiled too. 

“So, we’re… a couple now?”

Perry chuckled and nodded. 

“Sweet.” Heinz breathed raggedly. “I’m a little nervous, honestly. I’m excited, but you know. Heh heh.” 

That was okay. Perry knew he’d get used to it eventually. 

“So.. do you think… we could maybe-” 

He was cut off when Perry leaned forward and kissed him. A soft moan rumbled in Heinz’s throat as he wrapped his arms around Perry, keeping him close. Perry did the same, holding Heinz close even after their lips parted. 

“You didn’t need to interrupt me… but that was really nice.” 

Perry nodded happily. 

“Would you like to dance some more? It’s okay if you don’t, I just thought it would be fun.” 

Swiftly, Perry got off the couch and helped him up, soon taking his hand and pulling him back to where they had been dancing. 

“Perry the Platypus, you forgot to swap the CDs.” 

Rolling his eyes, he rushed over and got some music playing, returning shortly after. 

“That’s better. You could probably dance well without music, but I can’t. Well, I never tried but I’m sure I wouldn’t be too great at it.” 

This time, Heinz was the one to get their arms in the correct positions. He also began leading without any prompting. It put an even bigger smile on Perry’s face. 

“You’re really adorable when you smile like that you know.” 

There was no stopping the blush that tinted Perry’s cheeks. He looked away bashfully… 

…then felt Heinz plant a small kiss on his cheek. 

He stared at him in surprise. 

“Oh, sorry. Was that too far?” 

With a smirk, Perry swung his head around and planted a kiss on Heinz’s cheek. 

“O-Oh. Okay.” He smiled brightly. “That answers my question.”

For the rest of the night they continued dancing, exchanging small kisses to surprise each other. Perry felt so incredibly happy to be with Heinz. And he knew Heinz felt the same. All he had to do was look at the smile that remained on his face until he had to go home.

* * *

**Context and Information:**

And here’s another scene that was heavily altered in the final cut. And by heavily altered, I mean practically nothing about this section went into the final draft.

This was originally the first half of chapter 11, but later became, well, was more… changed into the second third of chapter 5. After writing this chapter, I felt I _really_ needed to reduce all the exposition, and also get rid of the retelling of OWCA Files. I’ve probably said it a million times by now, but I just didn’t want to copy the show unless it was important, and obviously, this wasn’t important. I definitely think changing the conflict so it stemmed from just a random mission was the best move.

~

Thank goodness there was an extra hover car at headquarters, otherwise Perry might have had to walk back Heinz’s apartment with him! That would’ve taken forever, and Perry knows what it’s like to walk for miles with Heinz, and it’s not pleasant. 

Well, actually, the main reason he was annoyed at Heinz when they were stranded in the desert was _because_ he stranded them in the desert, that and his rambling got on his nerves. Though… for some reason, Heinz was really quiet right now, so walking a while with him wouldn’t actually be too bad. But the fact he was quiet wasn’t a good thing. The only time he was ever quiet was when he was either super upset or super happy, and Perry seriously doubted the latter. And now that he thought about it, Heinz has been pretty quiet all day. Did something that happened today bother him? 

Well, the morning might have sucked for him since he was late for training with his new team, but he appeared normal enough. So… it had to have been after that… It wasn’t right after Monogram called about agents being mind controlled by robot fleas that a villain called “Professor Parenthesis” snuck into headquarters with a shipment of new wrist communicators. And it wasn’t when they were making their way to his family’s house to pick up his hover car… he was annoyed when he fell behind but was otherwise his usual self… 

Oh…

After he accidentally blew up the house… Honestly, at the time, Perry felt a _bit_ angry at him for it, so he wasn’t really paying attention to him too much after that. Perry tried recalling what happened, even if that would be difficult since he was purposely trying to ignore him at the time. 

…Yes. It was definitely after that happened that he stopped talking as much. Perry tried leaving by himself and Heinz offered to modify his hover car to get the whole team to the Grand Canyon where Professor Parenthesis lived. If it wasn’t for the fact that he _had_ to work with his team, he would have just ignored Heinz and left to defeat Parenthesis himself. He was angry, and he just wanted to fix everything so the O.W.C.A could get to work fixing his home. Even though Perry helped everyone modify the hover car, he still ignored Heinz. And Heinz, he didn’t say anything while they worked. Once they were done, they all took off without saying a word. 

On the ride to the Grand Canyon, Maggie wouldn’t shut up about how bored she was, and Harry voiced his displeasure every once in a while. Heinz… stayed quiet. In hindsight, Perry should have started really worrying right there, since Heinz probably would have chimed along with Maggie if he was feeling okay. In Perry’s defense, he was too pissed at the situation to notice Heinz _not_ doing something. He did warn Perry of the presence of attack drones and help fight them off, but before then, it was like he wasn’t even there. 

Then… the hover car crashed, and Perry got to work on a plan with the rest of his team… excluding Heinz. There were… so many signs that he wasn’t doing well, but Perry didn’t notice _any_ of them. Not even when Heinz walked up to him weakly saying, “so… do I get to do anything?” … And then he sent him to a coffee shop. 

Perry wiped his face in shame as he continued driving. Damn, that was such a dick move. 

Even if he was angry, he still shouldn’t have done that. Heinz just wanted to help. And then, he basically told him to stay there while everyone else actually did something. His own fucking boyfriend… 

With a harsh breath, he looked over at Heinz, who was still silently sitting in the passenger seat, facing away from him. 

Despite being left behind, Heinz figured out that they were going to be trapped and came to the rescue. As Maggie and Harry later pointed out, it wasn’t a great rescue, but it was a rescue nonetheless. They all lived, and that was the important part. It also got Perry to stop being so angry at Heinz for what happened, but he was too busy coming up with another plan to pay attention to any of his team members. After throwing a manual with a note left to his team in it, he took off. 

In the end, the day as saved, and Perry’s whole team became official O.W.C.A agents, earning them black headbands to replace their yellow trainee ones (which was actually a system created after Heinz caused a major security breach and extra precautions were taken to make sure everyone was qualified to be an agent). Heinz seemed happy when he helped everyone defeat Parenthesis, but after that, he was quiet again. Everyone clapped for the new agents, and Perry noticed he was barely smiling. When it was time to go and Perry brought a hover car around to bring Heinz home, he had to snap his fingers to get his attention. He would’ve walked home by himself if Perry hadn’t done that. 

And here he was, still sitting silently, facing away, not acting right. Perry felt awful. For most of the day, he ignored him… 

He had to fix this. He had to apologize. Heinz deserved it. Perry opened his mouth-

“Perry the Platypus?” 

-and then he closed it. Heinz was still looking away, but Perry could tell by the way he was talking that he was sad. 

“Are you… still my boyfriend?” 

He slammed on the brakes. 

“WOAH! Geez!” Heinz clung to the hover car and breathed heavily. “What was that for?! I know you’re probably still mad at me but you don’t need to give me a heart attack! I’m sorry, alright?!” 

Finally getting a look at Heinz’s face, Perry felt his chest ache. His eyes were red, like he’d been crying. Since he wasn’t crying at all during the ride, he must have been holding back tears. 

“What’s _that_ look for? You look like you're concerned for me. Well, if you didn’t slam on the brakes, I wouldn’t have gotten scared!” Heinz looked away with a pout, crossing his arms. “You could have just shook your head ‘no’ like you usually do, but I guess you had to have a little fun freaking me out, huh?” 

Perry slowly flew over to the roof of a building, landing before turning off the vehicle and unbuckling his seatbelt. 

“This isn’t my apartment. What are-” 

Sliding right up against Heinz, Perry placed his right arm over his shoulders and used his free hand to cup his jaw. Before Heinz could question what was going on, he was melting into a passionate kiss. By the time their kiss ended, Heinz’s stress had been sapped out of him and he all was left with was half lidded eyes and a lazy smile. Perry took that opportunity to slowly guide his head to his shoulder, and soon he was calmly resting against Perry in the hover car. 

“This means… So, you’re still my boyfriend?” he asked, looking up at Perry. 

Perry smiled and nodded, leaning down and resting his head against Heinz’s. 

“Good. I was a little worried.” He breathed a short sigh. “As much as I’d love to stay like this right now… you should probably get me home soon. I’m kinda hungry and you should probably make sure your family doesn’t come home to an incomplete house.”

As much as Perry wished it wasn’t so, Heinz did have a point. After planting a soft kiss on Heinz’s cheek, Perry slid back to the driver’s spot and rebuckled his seatbelt. 

“Maybe we could continue cuddling later. If you want to, of course.”

Of course Perry wanted to. 

Perry smiled and nodded, soon starting the hover car and getting back to returning Heinz home.

* * *

**Context and Information:**

Our journey through cut content is almost over. This drawn out piece of exposition comes from the original chapter 12, which became chapter 6 in the final draft. A little warning before continuing on, this section and the one coming up are why Unfortunate Soulmarks is rated Explicit.

While the majority of this chapter remained intact, a few sections were cut or changed to be shorter, since that one chapter made up an entire third of the fic’s word count. Obviously, the first chunk to be cut was the needless exposition at the front, as was the case for all the chapters containing too much exposition. What I was trying to do was mirror the beginning of the fic where Perry was internally monologuing about how he hated his soulmark. Since that was cut… this really had no point in staying in the fic. Despite that, I hope you enjoy.

~

Heinz hated his soulmark with a burning passion. To him, it was a curse, rather than a blessing. Those five words, that used to run up his right forearm, it felt like they were mocking him. They supposedly existed to help people find their soulmates. The person, sometimes people, who would help make your life feel complete. Their first five words to you would match the ones marked on your arm, and you would know you found the person that would change your life for the better. 

At least, they were _supposed_ to. They were called “soulmarks” because they were supposed to help people find their “soulmates”. Heinz had just the luck to get a soulmark he couldn’t even show in public. Not because it was embarrassing, _though it certainly was_ , but because it was literally too rude to show to anyone. It would make mothers cover their children’s eyes, make people with any religious affiliation absolutely appalled, and make his social life a living hell. Thankfully, he was spared all of that during some of his childhood, since his soulmark wasn’t in the same language that everyone around him spoke. But that didn’t mean his soulmark wouldn’t cause him to suffer well before adulthood.

Heinz still remembers the look on his elementary school English teacher’s face when she first saw his soulmark. That contorted look of disgust, followed by the suggestion that he cover it up. He also remembers the look of scorn and repulsion on his parents faces during conferences, when his teacher pulled them aside and quietly told them what those words translated to while he sat in the other corner of the room. They already hated how his soulmate probably didn’t even live in the same country as him, but after they learned what those words meant… 

The worst part was, he didn’t even really know why his parents suddenly started forcing him to cover his soulmark until he was about fourteen, when he looked through an English to German dictionary in his middle school English class. He was fluent enough to hold basic conversations in English at the time, so he already knew what the middle three words translated to. He had his nervous guess as to what the first and last words translated to, but he needed the dictionary to confirm. Heinz remembered the pit in his stomach when it turned out his guess was correct, and almost wished he lost his right arm instead of his left, so he’d at least not have to deal with the constant shame that his soulmark caused him.

When he arrived in America and started to go to high school, he ended up learning even more reasons to hate the words across his arm. By then, he had started wearing black long-sleeved shirts every day to hide it. He didn’t want anyone to see what kind of person he could possibly become. Thankfully, sort of, he lost his soulmark along with his right arm under a boulder a little into high school, so it became impossible for others to judge him for it. Nobody other than him would know of his disgusting, and absolutely terrible mark… 

“Shit. Yes. So. Good. Fuck.”

These were going to be the first words his soulmate would say to him. Heinz used to constantly try and think of a context that made those words not sound so lewd, but he couldn’t, not anything that wasn’t convoluted or awkward. The only context he could think of that those words would fit in ws having sex with a complete stranger. Someone who wouldn’t bother with introductions. Someone who didn’t care about his life story, or hobbies, or likes and dislikes, or _anything_ . Someone who was only interested in fucking him without any interest in who he was _whatsoever_ . _That_ was who his soulmate was going to be. 

Oh, and Heinz couldn’t forget the “wonderful” scenarios that plagued his teenage mind, the possible ways he could meet his supposed soulmate. Maybe his soulmate was a prostitute he would pay to fuck him, since Heinz knew it could come to that given how few people actually wanted to date him. Maybe his soulmate and him would be completely wasted at a party, his soulmate too drunk to talk until they were desperately fucking in the bathroom. Or maybe, maybe he would grow into such a desperate, pathetic waste of a human being that he’d build an inator to make himself irresistible to whoever he wanted, or just mind control someone into fucking him. That last scenario disgusted Heinz the most, so much so that his younger self vowed to never even bother trying to find his soulmate. 

Why would he want to? Yes, his soulmate was supposed to change his life for the better and make his life feel more complete, and he would do the same for them… but what kind of meeting is _that_! “Hello. I know we just had meaningless sex but as it turns out we’re soulmates. Want to have dinner with me later?” No! Where’s the romance in that?! If that was what it was going to be like when he met his soulmate, then he’d rather forget about them and find someone else to be with. Fate always seemed to bring soulmates together, but fate could kiss his ass. Heinz was going to fight fate to make sure he’d never have to deal with whatever gross circumstances would bring him and his soulmate together. Technically, soulmates didn’t have to end up together anyway, so Heinz was going to make sure he and his soulmate would never meet. 

This… didn’t exactly ease his mind that much, though. The idea of soulmates, someone to make your life so much better, it sounded wonderful. It sounded _romantic_. Heinz loved the idea of finding someone that would make your life feel more complete. His childhood… wasn’t exactly filled with people that made him feel very happy. And when he vowed not to find his soulmate, he knew he probably wouldn’t have that much luck later in life either. But still. He’d rather deal with the long search of finding someone who would love him, then get stuck with his “soulmate”, who would only want him for sex when they first meet. At least then… he’d have a better chance of a life filled with love and romance.

Nowadays, Heinz doesn’t really think about his soulmark or soulmate too much. His soulmark being gone definitely aided in that, but mostly he already felt satisfied enough with his life. He didn’t need a soulmate to make his life better. He had Perry the Platypus, who loved him infinitely more than his soulmate ever would. And he knew Perry the Platypus loved him, because he did things like bring him on dates, massage his shoulders when he was sore, and give him soft kisses whenever he didn’t feel good. Perry the Platypus was all he ever wanted, so of course anything related to his crummy soulmark never invaded his mind with someone so incredible there for him. It was something he never had to think about ever again.

* * *

**Context and Information:**

And here is the last of the cut content. Another section from chapter 12, as I mentioned, this was cut to shorten the chapter. Plus, I thought it was a bit awkward and ruined the mood a bit. That mood being, “sexy”, so again, here’s another warning on this being explicit. Though, I’m assuming that you’d only be here if you read Unfortunate Soulmarks, and that wouldn’t be a problem for you. If it is, you can just stop here. You won’t learn what that “You’ll See” in the chapter title is referring to if you do, though.

Either way, I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing everything that didn’t make it into the final cut.

~

And now that he thought about it… Heinz wanted to know how Perry would react to having his dick sucked. 

Heinz pushed himself back, kissing and licking down his chest and grabbing Perry’s cock by the base. Suddenly, he was stopped when Perry put a hand under his chin. There was a twisting feeling in his gut, and he shot upward immediately. 

“Sorry! I didn’t think-” 

“Shhh.” 

Perry cupped his jaw, bringing Heinz closer until the warm press of lips allowed him to be at ease. When they parted, Heinz was signaled with a pointer finger to wait a minute, so he nodded. 

He watched Perry reach over to the nightstand, his neck not being able to turn all the way to see what he grabbed. Though, since earlier Perry only put lube and condoms there, he assumed he was grabbing a condom. His guess was proven correct when Perry sat back where he was and easily tore it open, setting the wrapper to the side next to the bottle of lube he used earlier. 

“Wait… do you have something?” Heinz jumped, immediately adding, “not that I think there’s anything wrong with that!” 

Perry shook his head, rolling the condom on. 

“Oh. I don’t have something, if you’re worried about that.” 

He shook his head again. 

“Okay?” It was a little confusing to him. There had to be a reason he wanted to wear a condom, right? Don’t people normally dislike wearing them if they don’t have to? He didn’t want to pry, but his curiosity was strong. “Are you like, germaphobic or something?” 

After a pause, Perry nodded. 

“Ha! So you _aren’t_ fearless! Your OWCA card was _lying_!” 

He shrugged. 

Heinz figured the OWCA probably didn’t count ‘fear of germs’ as something that would possibly stop Perry from doing his job, so that was probably why they considered him basically fearless. Then, Heinz remembered a fond moment.

“Aww. Even though you were super grossed out by germs you still came to thwart me when I was sick.” 

He shrugged again, wearing a small smile. 

Next, a not so fond moment came to his mind. 

“...I’m sorry for almost making you eat gum off the sidewalk that one time.” 

A large shudder ran through Perry as he thought about it. Still, he gave another shrug. 

“So, I guess that’s why you want to wear the condom?” 

Perry raised his arm and made a gesture with his hand that Heinz took to understand as ‘sort of’. AKA: would require an explanation greater than a simple yes or no.

“Well, as much as I’d like to know your reasoning, right now there’s something I’d like to do a lot more than play 20 questions with you. Um… if that’s okay.” 

Nodding, Perry spread his legs further apart, leaving himself wide open for Heinz to do whatever he wanted. Heinz was filled with both desire… and nervousness. He’d never given a blow job before and sort of didn’t want to screw something up. But… god the desire he felt was so strong. He leaned down, once again grasping the base of Perry’s cock. 

“Just tap my shoulder or something if you want me to stop.” 

Perry nodded. 

Heinz took notice of the dark pink coloring of the condom Perry chose to wear, pondering the reason for its appearance. 

“Did you get flavored condoms or something? Is that why it’s pink?” 

Looking up at Perry, Heinz could swear he could see him biting back a smirk as he nodded his head. He chose to ignore that, still very much wanting to suck him off. 

Finally, balancing on a forearm with one hand steading Perry’s cock, Heinz brought his lips down to the tip, giving it a kiss before beginning to drag his tongue up his shaft. Then, he stopped, jaw dropping. Slowly, he turned his head and stared up at Perry incredulously. 

Perry was having a much harder time biting back that smirk. 

“Are you… serious?” 

A strangled snicker escaped through Perry’s nose. He covered his mouth and nose with his hand. 

“Really?!” Heinz exclaimed while pushing himself into a sitting position. 

A second hand came up to cover the first. 

“You could have gotten, _any_ flavor,” Heinz started. 

Perry held back giggles.

“Strawberry, cherry, watermelon…”

A large chuckle was retrained behind his hands. 

“But no. You couldn’t just get a normal flavored condom, could you? You just _had_ to get something to surprise me.” 

By now, Perry had begun rocking back and forth to try and contain himself. 

“All the flavors of condoms in the world that exist… and you chose _fucking_ doonkelberry.”

A sudden burst of air escaped Perry, and he began laughing uncontrollably. Heinz still could not believe it. 

“I don’t know what’s more insane… the fact that you specifically chose to buy a condom that tasted like doonkelberries, which are only processed in Drusselstein and not at all a common flavor, mind you…”

The fits of laughter somewhat died down, but Perry was still wheezing with amusement.

Heinz continued. “...or the fact that you _knew_ I would want to blow you, and got doonkelberry flavored condoms just for the occasion. All of that just to make a funny little reference to where I grew up.” 

Air was heaving in and out of Perry’s lungs as he tried to catch his breath. 

Heinz simply sat there, continuing to look at him with an expression of disbelief. Then, he noticed the condom wrapper sitting by the lube Perry used earlier and picked it up, examining the words neatly printed across. 

“This is in German.” 

He heard a chuckle, and looked up to see Perry smirking again.

“So… either you bought these online from a German website, or you actually _went_ to Germany to get these.” 

Another chuckle. 

“Perry the Platypus… please tell me you didn’t go all the way to a German sex shop to get doonkelberry flavored condoms to bewilder me with.” 

The prideful grin along with the silent snicker was enough of an answer to Heinz. 

“Un-fucking-believable.” 

Once again, Perry was an uncontrollable laughing mess, not restraining his amusement whatsoever. 

Heinz tried to frown, but he really couldn’t. How could he when the love of his life was sitting right in front of him laughing so adorably. Soon, he was laughing too, finding the mood Perry was in to be a bit contagious. 

Calming down sooner than Perry, a smile lingered on Heinz’s face. He gazed at Perry happily and watched as he managed to get himself under control again. Even if it did ruin the moment a little, Heinz still enjoyed the silly surprise. And it really was a surprise. Perry was usually so calm and professional that it was nice to see him loosen up and have some fun. Not too long ago, Perry would have never had a laughing fit for any reason. But now, Heinz felt so lucky to be able to see Perry that amused. 

“I love hearing you laugh like that,” he said softly, getting Perry’s attention. “You don’t really do it often, but when you do, it makes me really happy.”

A shy smile crept into Perry’s expression, similarly to the blush that tinted his cheeks. Then, he reached forward, placing his hands on Heinz’s head and pulling him closer. Heinz let Perry pull him into a kiss, moaning softly as their hands roamed over each other's bodies and their one kiss turned into many.

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think about the things I cut? Feel free to let me know if you think I made the right decision in cutting these scenes, or if they would have added to the story if fleshed out.


End file.
